One of my biggest lessons is learning how to put me aside.

I am thankful for my body and health; this amazing fully functional body allows me to create my own medicine, running, biking, hiking, dancing, etc. It extracts nutrition from the good food and gives minimal consequence from the bad food and alcohol I consume; It lets me hug and kiss those whose affection I cannot do without; and gives me the strength, both physical and emotional to continue living, learning, and loving. Such a beautiful body, inside and out.

Thanksgiving 2012, I wasn't feeling particularly thankful this day but very selfish. I struggled with being kind to some of those who are good and aid in the happiness of some that I love. I complained because the bountiful selections of food were lacking my favorite dishes, and that my plate was too small to hold all I wanted in just one trip, yet with a full belly was sitting in the midst of people whom I love. Not to mention the countless people I was ecstatic to see later and they me. I definitely lost track for a minute; I gave control to stresses that should have been left 300 miles away.

I may have a lot trials and am lacking the skills and finances to resolve them quickly, but I am not lacking love, experience, and health. I think we need to remind ourselves occasionally that we are responsible for ourselves and though it may be harder or easier for some, we ultimately choose our lives. I am SO thankful that I am responsible for myself and GET to make my own choices weather the effects be negative or positive. I am so very thankful as a woman that I have the rights I do and that I am no longer in fear of losing them.

I complain about so much but sometimes forget to be thankful for the opportunities afforded to me. I'm struggling as a single homeowner, but feel lucky to have the opportunity because I know so many will never have anything close. I've never felt so lonely in my life as when I come home to a bald spot on my roof with broken shingles on the ground, water coming from bathroom ceiling, the smell gas and feel cold air coming from my heater vents, and a bathtub full of water that still hadn't drained from two days before. As I sit on my stoop and cry because I'd reached my wits end, I got a call my Cass, "I'm terrified of heights but I'll help replace your roof." Then remembered the boys that came in a moment’s notice to replace my shingles, the neighbor who came to give me advice on my small construction project, a friend who replaced a part on my furnace though I knew how. My father who gave me $10,000 for a down-payment, and my mother who gave earnest money, because she was terrified that I would buy a different house. Lonely...?


When I am lonely, sad, happy, etc I have an amazing community to call on. I don't feel like I could ever ask for more than this; sometimes love really is all you need.


I have an incredible life with so much love that sometimes I can’t breathe.

Relationships are ever-changing.


Today I dropped my dad off at the airport and when we hugged goodbye I said, "bye daddy, I love you". I haven’t called my dad daddy in 20 years; I was stunned.. I followed up with some ramblings about getting a big buck in Montana then realized he didn't hear me because he didn't have his hearing aids in. This is the first time in a long time that I've been sad to see my dad go and I didn't tell him.
I spent three days without a thought of an excuse for a break of him and he didn't try to ditch me once. I've wished for this all of my adult life and something similar but more childlike when I was little girl; something is giving and my dad is filling the "socially accepted" role of dad. Don't get me wrong, there has never been a lack of love between us just a lot of misunderstanding. My extremely conservative dad raised, with a lot of support from the Jones family, this girl to 12 with the idea that I would grow up, get married, have kids, and live a "conservative" LDS life... I have long passed my entry into adulthood and have yet to fullfill any of those dreams.  His parenting may or may not have played a role in my growing into a liberal " independent" woman, but he seems to be accepting me, different as he had hoped.

I love you daddy and am so grateful for all that I have learned and become because you are my dad. I am a strong woman with so much love and am learning how to share.   I'm sad that I likely won’t see you for another year, I guess it’s time that I try a harder to fit into your life.

My birthday cake.



Deer camp 2012



                                        Contribute to my own self.

A dear friend recently told me that our true priorities are shown through our actions, not our words.



Over A year has passed since my last entry and I suddenly have an urge to write again; I'm likely never going to be a very consistent blogger but its clear I've dedication for more highly ranked activities, i.e. drinking beer, running, bargain shopping...

A lot of important things have happened in the last year, more specifically, a lot of important things have happened to me in the last year, however I don’t really feel like spreading butter on my toast so you'll just have to try to eat around the dry corners and maybe later cashew butter and jam.

 

31 came and though the celebration for my birth was the best I can remember, the months following have been some of the most difficult. I've reached an emotional age at which I've a pretty good grasp on the important steps and decisions I should make to be a happy me and valuable member of my community. however, at this age making the "right" decisions and following through requires a lot of behavior modification in order to gain motivation, maintain order, and manage my wild emotions. Some moments I feel like I'm almost "there" and others I feel as though I'm stuck in the bottom of a Well; I try to keep reminding myself that I'll always be searching, changing, fixing and adjusting and whenever I get "there" I'll probably not be here.

Being stuck on the bottom of a well… One definition of the noun “well” is: Source of something proving a free and abundant supply. When life finds me at the bottom of a well it will be the abundant supply of something, let’s hope it’s not darkness... now which rope shall I choose?